This is maybe best explained with by a short story.
I tried for a long time to get my fiance to speak English, since she is Japanese. I thought of every combination carrot and stick I could think of, but nothing seemed to work. I tried speaking in the house or when we went out, at specific times and days, lots of different things. It was a lot of work. And nothing seemed to work. Then I realized, instead of doing all this work to figure out what she is thinking, why not just ask her? Why not just ask her to make a plan?
First I asked her, “Do you want to learn English?” “Of course!” she replied, “I’ve wanted to do that for years.”
Then I asked her, “Look around yourself, you’re thinking too much. What do you see?”
After carefully pointing out the names of all the objects around her, in English, she eventually pointed at me. “Hey you! Your a Canadian! aaaand, Canadians can speak English right?”
“That’s right!” I replied.
“Maybe you can teach me English?” she said.
“Yes I can,” I replied.
“How much could you speak?” I asked.
“All the time,” she replied.
“How long could you speak for?” I asked.
After some back and forth she said, “One week.”
“And in what circumstances would you want to speak Japanese?” I asked.
Again, after some back and forth, she replied, “If it’s something important.”
Great! She made the plan. Sure I asked her questions, but I let her make it. It was her plan, and she was super motivated to carry it out. She had ownership, responsiblity, and pride in her work. When she got tired, I joked, “Well it was your plan.” She faced the challenge forthrightly, with a sense of purpose since she had chosen the approach. The mission was a success.